I did have another topic in mind to post this week but instead I thought I would write about something that has happened to me and has changed my view on life completely.
On Monday morning I was rushed into hospital with pains in my back, left arm, chest and an ache in my jaw. After numerous tests it was suggested that I could have either a blood clot in my lung or a virus that has caused the valves in my heart to enlarge (my family has a long line of heart conditions and blood clots and a number of my family members have died from them) and by this time I'm pretty much thinking that that's it, its my time. I ended up staying over night and was later discharged late the next evening after a number of more tests, x-rays and medications. This gave me a lot of thinking time which I used to reflect back on my life.
On reflection I released that I had led a life trapped inside what can only be described as a fat suit. This is really how I feel, I do believe I have a 'normal' weight person inside of me screaming to get out but I chose to shut them up by stuffing food in their mouth. On a psychological level I can see that as I'm typing this I am referring to the 'normal' me as a third person, I guess this is due to not knowing what I look like as well as the personality of this person/'normal' me).
Although what happened was one of the worst experiences I have had its also changed my way of thinking and also my whole outlook on life. For example, at present I don't feel the need to feed my emotions (I am a self-confessed emotional eater) which is a huge accomplishment. Also, I found that its OK to feel hungry... I won't die from waiting an hour until my next meal so just get over it. More importantly I've realised that I actually want to live my life and not sit back and watch it pass like I have for so many years. And finally like Wilbur from Charlotte's Web (the story that turned me vegetarian), "I don't wanna die!"
This is the starting of a new me. I can feel it in my trotters.