*Where it all began*

I wrote a few months ago how after reading Jillian Michaels "Winning by Losing" I had come to believe that I needed to stop dwelling on the past - past experiences, past events, past me. I still believe this to be right however I'm not sure I ever got to the real root of the reasons for my issues with weight. I wrote down some ideas of the reasons I felt I could be overweight but no exceptional light bulb experiences.

If your a regular reader of my blog you will know that I have been 'attempting' to stick to the Weightwatchers plan on my own using the online services. I really do believe that this works, no rephrase that, "it really does work" but after losing and gaining a few pounds I knew it was time for me to start attending classes - after all I personally do much better at class and I love the weekly meetings. However I know that I have 'been back to class' ample amounts of time so I was going to have to do something different this time.

So this time round I have decided to attend my weekly classes, and continue my exercise classes but also get to the real reason to my weight issues. I found "Winning by Losing" a real eye-opener and got me to understand some of the science behind it but I know I need something else to help me understand and confront my inner demons. As I enjoyed reading Jillian Michaels book I decided to try another. So this time around I have purchased and am currently reading "How to Lose Weight Without Dieting: Be the size you want to be for life" by Jessica Robbins.

Now I haven't read this book from cover to cover yet, but the introduction jumps straight into Robbins past and I could identify with so much of it. I never realised that half of what I heard I actually internalised and it affected me. Just reading a few pages I began to get teary eyed, things that I didn't think actually mattered did matter because now I was feeling a flood of overwhelming emotion. There are two main points that stuck out for me and Ill explain why here.

"You'll never be thin" this always ended with "because you have big bones", "because your just a big girl" or "because you have my genes". I never really realised how much this actually affected me. Just typing it has resulted in a huge lump in throat. I'm not advocating that the people who said this were being spiteful as they wasn't, I know what its like to be bullied, I guess it was a more of a 'gentle let down' as so I wouldn't get up set if I didn't lose any weight. But in actual fact saying this just made me believe that no matter what I'm always going to failing, I'm never going to be a healthy weight because i)I have big bones, ii) I'm just meant to be big and iii) my genetic make-up means I'm forever doomed to be overweight.

"He only has to look at bread and he puts weight on", insert what you will rather than bread, it could be anything but this was and still is something that is constantly said in my household and outside. Obviously its partly meant as a joke but if you constantly internalise this it has to be harmful in some way or another. I like many others I'm sure see food as 'evil', food is the reason why I'm fat and just looking at it makes me gain weight. This doesn't really create a healthy relationship with food.

Like it pin-points within the book, its all about self-esteem. If you lose the weight but don't face 'your demons' or your own personal reasons for gaining weight in the first case you are still going to be roughly the same person and for me its my self esteem, mine was low even at my thinnest because I hadn't tackled the issue.

So like I said previously this time around I'm going to attend my classes, continue my exercise and tackle my demons.

Have a fabulous week and for those who celebrated Thanksgiving - Happy Thanksgiving!

Roo

On a side note: I know I've been a little slack when it comes blogging recently but I have a few ideas of what I want to post I just need the time to sit down and write it.