After a recent tragedy I keep replaying in my head that I am not going to be here for ever. As statistics go to show I am likely to have another forty years tops and as morbid as it is I can't help but fixate on the fact that I feel that I am wasting my life being so unhappy. The easy thing for me to do is to just get on with my life and force myself to accept me for all my flaws but deep down I know that's not the answer.
The answer for me is to pull my finger out of my a$$ and do something that makes me happy. I know to be happy I need to love myself, yes for my flaws but also because I know that I am the best of what I can be.
The idea of my own mortality scares the jeepers out of me, after all I don't know whether I will see tomorrow let unknown retirement. This makes me question certain things about myself; where I was, where I am at and where I want to be. Previously I was in a place where I longed for someone to say "I'm here to help you and make you happy" as if it was some kind of switch that I needed to have turned on. I am at a place now where I am starting to understand that I need to work at being happy, I can't just expect to be happy. I need to listen to my desires to be happy. I need to do what I know is right. I need to be healthy, I need to make time for myself, I need to do what is best for me and do what makes me happy.
I know that to be happy I need to be the best of what I can be and part of that is through changing my lifestyle. I currently swim twice a week and I love every single minute of it. I no longer feel the need to be dependent and I thrive on the feeling of independence. I am working on changing my lifestyle and no longer put myself down for the smallest of things. I could go on to say that I am finally feeling a hint of happiness.
But until I am the best of what I can be I think I am doing a pretty good job.
To be continued...